Brighton 13th and 14th May

Two nights of my full length show Revenge of the Cat Lady

http://komediabrighton.ticketsolve.com/shows/126523655/events

Edinburgh Previews!

If you can’t make it to Edinburgh and you want to see my show in very much it’s infant stage I’m doing a few previews.

London – Old Rope

28 June

I don’t have ticket details yet sorry!

Birmingham  25th July

I’m doing a preview with the lovely Jen Brister at the Laughing Cows in Birmingham.  It’s on from 7 till 10pm at the Memorial Hall in Kings Heath

Tickets available here

http://www.wegottickets.com/event/167921

Camden 26th July

This preview will be with the lovely Jessica Fostekew at the Camden Head.   http://www.camdenhead.com/

Tickets available here! http://www.wegottickets.com/event/166317

It’s only £3!!!!

Then of course the Edinburgh Festival starts

Tickets available here

https://www.underbelly.co.uk/node/470974

Thank you for your patience.  You are very kind.  I can see it in your eyes.  I can see it in your smile.

x

Anyway, the point is that there’s a lot to be thinking about these days and no one thing seems to be more important than the other.  Such a proliferation of issues is a bad situation for someone like myself who will often spend days making a decision. I’ll write lists of pro’s and con’s, ask opinions even take a clipboard into the street to conduct my own MORI poll .  All to avoid actually being decisive.  Of course being contradictory I am also, at times, too decisive.  For example I’ll always regret the perm and streaks I got when I was 14.  One or the other would’ve been fine but together, in the words of Hart to Hart, it was murder.

Even the first two paragraphs of this blog is a way of procrastinating so as to avoid any form of decision about what to write about. So instead I’ll just tell you a story about something that happened to me this week. I should say at this point that everything I write about and indeed talk about in my stand up is true, or at least has a kernel of truth in it.  Sometimes people accuse me of lying, for example the woman who said that I wasn’t really from Glasgow and was just making it up.  I’m not.

Prepare yourself then, for the absolutely true story of ………

The attempted exorcism on the train!

Picture the scene.  The Glasgow to London Virgin Pendolino.  The glamour is indescribable. It’s the very definition of opulence.  If opulence smells slightly of urine.

I’ve been working hard so have treated myself to a first class ticket.  I arrive at my throne and I feel, in every way, first class. I couldn’t feel more first class if I had a rosette.  My seat faces away from the direction of travel.  I know that bothers some people.  Not me.  I can travel in a suitcase without any bother.  I unpack my laptop and set to work writing my Magnum Opus, a sci fi sit com based on the life of a woman from Glasgow who enjoys Casualty and cats.

As is my habit I size up my fellow passengers.  I like to pretend I’m Sherlock Holmes looking for evidence as to how strangers lead their lives.  Some would say I’m “nosy”, I prefer  “overly interested”.  Luckily two of my little known life skills assist me in sizing people up.

1. I can lip read.
2. I can read documents when they’re upside down.

On the table for 4 to the right of me were three people.  Two of them were clearly together, not in a relationship, but definitely business partners.  The man opposite them was on his own but was determined to speak to them.  He sat with a smile while they attempted to eat their breakfast.  Eventually he won and they started a conversation.  At this point I slipped one of my earphones off to so as to tune into the conversation (the couple were out of lip reading range).  The business partners were traveling to Carlisle, the single gent was on “church” business.  He said that very loudly and then looked at me.  I thought he was just scanning the room as I do but it seemed a fairly pointed look.  I ignored him as I didn’t want any trouble.

I settled back to work writing a crucial scene in my sit com where the main character, Susan Coleman, is nominated for her fourth Oscar.

The next time I raised my eyes I realised that the couple had left and that the carriage was almost empty.  I cast a glimpse at the gent and suddenly realised that he was moving his lips.  Not talking out loud but muttering.  He was also looking directly at me again.  He was also reading from the bible.

I’m no expert in such matters (although my acting CV may say I am, but then it also says I can do a Manchester accent) but it did look suspiciously like he was attempting to perform an exorcism on me.  I don’t know if that’s happened to any of you but it’s certainly not a typical event to occur. Even on a Virgin train.

I thought “stop it Calman.  Your imagination is running away with you. It’s like that time you thought you had super powers when in fact you’d just taken day nurse and co codamal at the same time.”  Pull yourself together, I said to myself in a Manchester accent.  He’s probably just praying or reading out loud which is totally fine.  Except he was staring straight at me.  Not to one side, not thinking, staring.  Right. At. Me.  I did what anyone would do in such a situation and panicked a bit. Thinking rationally I surmised that in order to be performing the religious rite the man must

1. be one of the religious types that doesn’t like the gays (which not all of them are)
2. know that I am a lady who prefers the company of ladies.
3. be on some form of mission to do ad hoc exorcisms.  And exorcisms aren’t something I though were done “on the hoof” as they say.

But it’s possible. Who am I to say that the Church aren’t so upset about the threat to society that the gays pose that they wouldn’t start sending undercover agents onto public transport to exorcise the gayness out of people?  It’s as plausible as the theory that an unknown entity created the world in seven days.

He carried on and I had to choose my tactics quickly.  I thought “What would Jodie do?”. My options were limited.

1. Ask him “are you performing an exorcism on me?”.  It’s direct, it’s to the point but it’s also very public and potentially humiliating if he says no.
2. Ignore him.  This seems the easiest choice but when you can see someone in your peripheral vision muttering and reading the bible it’s not easy to enjoy Green Wing, even if you’ve seen it before.
3. Stare back.  This is a dangerous option.  It’s confrontational.  It’s saying “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!”.

Now I’m the type of lady who doesn’t like being stared at, whether a possible exorcism is being conducted or not. So I went for option 3.  I stared at him for what seemed like hours.  He stared at me.  I stared at him.  He muttered.  And stared.  Then when the train pulled into the station he abruptly put his bible away and walked off the train.

I sat, checking if all my faculties were still in place.  They were.  So I left.  I still don’t know what happened.  It could’ve been my imagination but I don’t have an over active imagination. At least that’s what I say to the my tea bags when we’re performing “Bolero” together.

What I do know is this.  I may be able to lip read but when someone is muttering in Latin it doesn’t help establish is an exorcism is occurring or not.  I’ll never be so unprepared again.

Love Susan

Show details have been announced!

1st – 27th August 2012
6pm
Dairy Room – Bristo Square
Tickets – £8.00
OVER 18′S ONLY

Click here for more details

You may be wondering why I’ve called you all here tonight.  To be honest,  it’s just a way of collating information so that I don’t annoy you all by tweeting or facebooking random self promotion.  I know people get annoyed by that.   But if you read this whole blog I’ll put a Calman fact at the end that few people know as a way of saying thanks for reading to the end.  It’s not a very interesting fact but it’s a fact nonetheless.  Deal?  Right.

A lot of people ask me if I’m doing any shows in their town.  The honest answer is, I hope so but maybe not.  Rest assured as soon as I think some people will turn up I’ll tour every part of the UK bringing with me the politically astute and satirical humour I’m known for.  Oh, and cat stories.

In the meantime here’s where you can see me in the next few months.

General comedy fun

I MC a lot at the Stand Comedy Clubs in Glasgow, Edinburgh and Newcastle.  If you check their listings I pop up once a month or so.

I also gig around the country – I tend to tweet about gigs or put them on my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Susan-Calman/44711520390.

13th and 14th May – Brighton

Brighton Fringe

Revenge of the Cat Lady

7.15pm both nights.

http://boxoffice.brightonfringe.org/event.aspx?evId=3303

I’m at the lovely Komedia in the Studio so there aren’t that many tickets.

April – London

Udderbelly at the South Bank

20th April

https://www.underbelly.co.uk/Susan-Calman

July – Birmingham

I’ll be doing a preview on 25 July at the Laughing Cows in Birmingham!

Edinburgh Festival

I’m doing a new show this year and tickets should be on sale soon.

Please come.  I’m quite nice really

Calman fact

Well done. You made it to the end.  Here is your Calman fact.

When I dance I don’t move my feet.  Instead I move my upper body to the rhythm of the music.  I sway much like a person stuck in quicksand.  Some say I look foolish.  I say I look cool.  Ask me to dance when you see me next.

x

I don’t want to clog up your Facebook/twitter feeds with random updates about what I’m doing when there are funny videos of cats to watch, but some people have asked where they can see me perform live.  So here are some dates if you, or anyone you know, fancies coming to see me in the flesh. So to speak.

General comedy fun

I MC a lot at the Stand Comedy Clubs in Glasgow, Edinburgh and Newcastle.  If you check their listings I pop up once a month or so.

I also gig around the country – I tend to tweet about gigs or put them on my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Susan-Calman/44711520390.

One woman shows

23rd February – London

Susan Calman: Work in Progress towards ultimately taking over the galaxy

SOLD OUT

29th March – Glasgow

Glasgow Comedy Festival

Susan Calman: Revenge of the Cat Lady

Stand Comedy Club

Tickets from

www.thestand.co.uk or 0131 558 7272

13th and 14th May – Brighton

Brighton Fringe

Revenge of the Cat Lady

7.15pm both nights.  I’ll post links when tickets go on sale.

April – London

Udderbelly at the South Bank

20th April

9.30 pm – will put links up when they become available.

July – Birmingham

I’ll be doing a preview on 25 July at the Laughing Cows in Birmingham!

Edinburgh Festival

And finally I will (fingers crossed) be back at the Edinburgh Festival this year.

Conclusion

It’d be nice to see you at a gig.  Otherwise I may as well just stand at a bus stop shouting.

Susan

xx

Tickets for Glasgow Comedy Festival show on sale now through the Stand website www.thestand.co.uk.  The show, Revenge of the Cat Lady, is on the 29th March.

I’ll also be at the Brighton Fringe in May, details when they are available

Hope to see you at a show!

x

Actually. That’s a lie. And as President Nixon always told me when we were sailing in New England, never start a blog with a lie.

To be honest I have been known to make a fuss about SOME things, about CERTAIN things, about IMPORTANT things that make me nervous.  Let me explain.  If you’ve ever watched the classic TV series “Lost in Space” or the 1998 remake starring Matt Le Blanc (less successful but still a good sci fi romp) you’ll know that there was a robot in it.  To be specific, according to Wikipedia, it is a Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot.  Mind you, Wikipedia also insists that the Lib Dems are still a political party of note so what do they know.  Anyway whenever there’s a sniff of trouble the Robot shouts, if a Robot can shout, “Danger Will Robinson”.  If you don’t know, Will Robinson was one the of the characters on the show.  I know I’m over explaining what is, in essence, simply the set up to a blog but I don’t want anyone to get annoyed with my lack of detail.  My point is this, sometimes things happen which make my spidey sense tingle, which makes a voice in my head say “Danger, Susan Calman”.  When that happens I like to make a fuss.

On this occasion it’s the monumental fuss about gay marriage in Scotland.  Now you might not know what’s been happening if you live in Englandshire or beyond, so a summary of the recent high profile coverage in the press is  “straight marriage good, gay marriage bad”.

That is of course a flippant remark considering the vitriolic and horrific things said about people like myself (no not short people!) by certain sections of society, and I could get angry about it all. But I won’t.  So instead I’ve done what any self respecting lesbian would do, and I’ve written a fairytale about it all.

It’s based on the untold story of Snow White and Cinderella and it’s all entirely fictional apart from the people who I’ve called by their real names.  Oh and Snow White is based a little bit on me.   You’ll be able to tell that quite quickly.

The tale of Snow White and Cinderella

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom called “Scotia” (which comprised mostly of haggis, whisky and religious intolerance) there lived two young women, Snow White and Cinderella.  Everyone said that Snow White looked just like Angelina Jolie.  The two princesses met over the interweb, because it was difficult to meet likeminded people in the gay tavernas which popped up in the magic kingdom.  They lived together in a beautiful cottage surrounded by bluebells and singing penguins and loved each other more than anything. Every day they listened to K.D Lang and dressed up their 97 cats.

Neither were particularly butch but both loved sensible shoes and Sophie Grabol. One of them had a tool belt but that was just because the cottage required extensive renovation.  They both had jobs, paid taxes and contributed to society in positive ways.  They’d even agreed not to have children thus reducing the deficit and sparing society from more young people who can’t pronounce things properly.  Life was good.

But things weren’t always so sunny in the land of Scotia.  The beautiful Snow White and Cinderella had both grown up in a time of darkness in the kingdom.  A time when the Wicked Witch Thatcher ruled over all, casting a spell with her magic handbag which pricked the thumbs of gay people, silencing them for over 12 years.  And silent they were.  For 12 long years years young gays were told that it wasn’t normal to love someone.  There was no joy in the kingdom and as the gays were silent, so were other minorities. Even the elves (the campest of all the fairytale creatures) lost their sparkle.  Some in Scotia said that it didn’t matter and it was all to protect the “normal” people in the fairytale kingdom. But the people that said that hadn’t seen the Minotaurs crying at night.  Watched the despair of the goblins who thought they might lose their jobs in the mines if anyone found out that they were gay, and known how many pixies ended their lives early rather than live a lie.

Only many years later, after the Wicked Witch Thatcher’s exile to the land of after dinner speaking was the spell finally lifted.  And the gays and all right minded people rejoiced.  Not that everyone wanted it the spell lifted.  There was a coven of dark wizards who tried to keep the dark magic in place.  One wizard in particular cast a shadow on the horizon.  A dark wizard called Souter, who lived in a magic bus over the Mountain of Deregulation, and battled against the forces of good.  After his counter spell failed everyone thought he had disappeared forever, but all he’d done was hide in a mountain cavern planning his next move.

Snow White and Cinderella had a relationship that was exactly like those of her straight friends.  Just because they were both women didn’t mean that they didn’t make each other miserable at times!  But they wanted to make their love official, and make the same commitment to each other that their friends and family had to their partners.  Suddenly from on high, King Blair stated that all gays could enter a civil partnership!  A civil partnership?  What was that?  Well it turned out it was like getting married but not.  Like being an equal citizen of the country but actually being judged for something that they couldn’t help.

Even though everyone knew it wasn’t the same as getting married they were told that they should be damn happy with that thanks very much.  In fact if they would just stop complaining then the fairytale kingdom could just get back to normal.  The dark Wizards sat in Daily Mail Castle and considered themselves pleased that they didn’t need to deal with the annoyance of equal rights and could instead get back to blaming immigrants for bird flu.

But Snow White and Cinderella were still confused.  Why couldn’t they get married?  They knew plenty of total wankers who had got married.  They heard gossip that it was because of a fictional character called “God” who people seemed to believe had a say in their personal lives.  That their lives weren’t “normal” according to “god”.  That a family could only be a man and a woman who wanted to have children.  But wasn’t that insulting to all of the single mothers, and grandparents who brought up children? What about straight couples who married and didn’t have children?  And what about all of the married couples who were horrific to each other and their children, and everyone else?  Were they really normal?

As they lived in Scotia, which proclaimed itself the best of all the fairytale lands, they hoped that the Scottish Government would do something about it. And in time their jolly  Prince Charming Wee Eck Salmond said that they would definitely think about maybe doing something about it.  Oddly unlike other times when they dealt with matters of equality, for example when the Rumplestiltskin demanded the same wages as his female colleagues, the Government decided to ask the people of Scotia what they thought of Snow White and Cinderella getting married instead of just passing a law to ensure equality.

All at once the dark forces of the land joined together.  The dark wizard Souter, who coincidentally gave large piles of gold coins to  Mr Salmonds party, and the men of “god” from the church said that if gay marriage was allowed the world would end.  For as soon as a gay walked into a church and said “I do”,  the fairytale kingdom of Scotia would fall into the sea.

The dark forces mounted a campaign.  They compared gays to peadophiles, they said that Snow White and Cinderella were a shame upon the kingdom. The villagers who until that point hadn’t cared about the ladies alternative lifestyle choice began to believe what the church leaders told them.  They lit pitchforks and surrounded the fairytale cottage shouting and spitting.  Meanwhile the church leaders stood and laughed and counted their money.  And the Government said absolutely nothing.

Snow White and Cinderella almost gave up.  They almost stopped trying.  They had fought for so many years to just be seen as people in the fairytale kingdom that they were exhausted.  They wanted to shut the door and put on their box set of “Between the Lines” and forget all about fighting. And then there was a knock at the door.  When they opened it they were surprised to see a crowd of people outside.  The dwarves, and the giants, and the minotaurs and the trolls, and the gingerbread men and the giant talking fish.  Every single person from the fairytale land who had ever suffered because they were different were there. They realised that if the gays could be treated in this way they might be next.

So Snow White and Cinderella had the courage to speak up.  To say that they weren’t a shame on their country.  That all they wanted was the same as everyone else.  To have the choice to marry the person that they loved.  They hoped against hope that soon their dream would come true, that they could finally feel a true part of the kingdom of Scotia.

And then they split up because Cinderella slept with the Little Mermaid.

THE END

I don’t know if the Parliament will pass a law allowing gay marriage in Scotland but I do know this.  Growing up as a lesbian in Glasgow was as easy as being a vegan abattoir worker.  I came out in 1990.  I had hoped 21 years later things would have got better.  That people would not be permitted to tell the lies about homosexuality that they still are today.

I can only hope that equality is achieved because if Scotland aren’t willing to accept the concept that homosexuality is acceptable I shudder to think how we will deal with our other issues.

For Scotland (and the whole of the UK)  to be great country, it’s citizens should all be treated equally.

All I want for christmas are the same rights that you have.

xx

News coming soon of shows in the Glasgow Comedy Festival and the Brighton Fringe.

In the meantime follow me on Twitter for gigs and occasional rants

xx

The women in comedy argument has recently reared it’s permed head again with regard to the diversity, or otherwise, on television with Mock the Week being singled out for criticism. To be honest the most annoying thing about the debate this time is that absolutely no one has asked my opinion on it.  Seriously.  I live for these arguments.  I do nothing all day apart from watch hospital based soap operas, or documentaries about the police or customs officials in New Zealand.  If people don’t ask me about women in comedy where else am I going to get my fix of martyrdom? I mean I’m not religious, I’m fine about my alternative lifestyle choices.  If this carries on I’m going to have to become another minority to get attention.  And there aren’t a lot left open to me.

Anyway.  Now we’ve established that no one has asked me my opinion I’ll do what I always do.  Bloody tell you what I think anyway.  And by the way this is absolutely my final word on this matter.  I do not want to speak to the Guardian, or the Telegraph about this.  The Daily Mail yes.  I have lots to say to them.  Mostly involving the word “twats”.  But this is it.  After this I will say nothing else.  Well unless I’m provoked.  And to be fair it’s pretty easy to provoke me.  Just dangle my 10 years of bootleg Casualty recordings over a cliff and I’ll climb over your corpse to save them.

So what are the issues?

1. There aren’t enough women on panel shows like Mock the Week. The panel isn’t representative of society given that 100% of the population aren’t white middle class men.

This is true.  Society is not entirely made up of men.  I’ve personally seen a lot of women on the street.  And a lot of people who aren’t white.  However to suggest that one programme is guilty of a lack of representation is to ignore a wider issue.  For example in Universities today far more women study law than men, yet at the top of the tree there are more men than women.  If you consider the UK Supreme Court as the equivalent of Mock the Week, and they often do (little bit of satire for you) only one of the 9 judges is a woman.  I don’t doubt that there are other women who would be cracking judges but for whatever reason they haven’t been appointed.  The institutional sexism I encountered as a lawyer is far worse than anything I’ve encountered in comedy, partly because I was restricted in what I could say about it.  To suggest that comedy is in some way different to what happens all over the world every day in every workplace is to suggest that comedy is in some way special. The truth is that under the clown costume it’s a job like any other.

I’m not saying it’s right and I’ll never stop trying to change it.  But to quote Tina Fey (I do that a lot by the way)

“So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.”

― Tina Fey, Bossypants

2. Women don’t do well on it, that’s why there aren’t more of them.  They can’t cope with the testosterone fueled environment.

This is my favourite argument which I think is dealt with easily.  Any female comic who does the circuit, specifically christmas gigs, can deal with any amount of testosterone.  Whether they want to or not, that’s another matter.  Too much testosterone is not a reason for not being funny.  Not having jokes.  That’s why people aren’t funny.

3. MTW has a responsibility to have a more diverse panel.

The first thing they have to do is make a funny show with funny people on it.  A diverse panel does not, in itself, humour make – just look at Question Time.  Yes MTW doesn’t reflect the comedy circuit but I don’t know if any comedy programme does.  The sit coms and sketch shows on TV aren’t exactly awash with the correct quota of minorities, or even majorities.  The fact that Mock the Week is seen as such a badge of honour is why it gets it in the neck.  At the moment Rab C Nesbitt is the only high profile scottish comedy on Network TV.  In fact it’s about the only Scottish Comedy that’s been on the network for years.  Personally speaking I get more annoyed that I can’t see a Glasgow “Royle Family” on my TV than the weeks when there are no women on a panel show.  If there have to be women on panel show does my tellybox have a responsibility to show an appropriate quota of Welsh, Irish and Scottish?  Or when I switch on a comedy show should I simply laugh?  The answer is yes.   To everything.

(Edit – I know Tank Commander and Burnistoun have had national showings but as they were not originally Network and not Primetime I think my point still stands.)

4.  It’s because women aren’t funny.

Bollocks and up your arse.  Some people don’t like some women in comedy.  Therefore they don’t like all women. But I can do no more than quote the God of comedy that is Tina Fey when writing about the constant articles written about whether women are funny.

“It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.”

― Tina Fey, Bossypants

Personally if someone asks me about it I send them away and tell them to watch Green Wing then come back and apologise.

People say women can’t be lawyers, doctors, policepeople, assistant referees. People will always say we can’t do things.  It just means when we prove people wrong it’s even more satisfying.  If you accept the word can’t then your as bad as the cunts that say it.

5.  Women aren’t funny on Panel shows

News Quiz.  End of argument.

6. Panel shows are everything

It may seem like that but people do watch other things.  The radio is a wonderful way of getting your comedy out there as well.  I find Radio 4 fabulous for supporting new comedy and new writers.  Maybe think about switching off the TV and listening to the wireless for a bit.  It’s pretty amazing.

7. It’s all good

It is you know!  Everyone is absolutely fine.  The more people talk about MTW the more people want to get on it.  I’d like to do it as I would like to do many things.  To get on something like Have I got News for You would be a dream come true. It’ll happen one day, and when it does I’ll hopefully have got there on merit rather than because of the incriminating photos I’ve obtained or because I’m a token women.  I don’t like that phrase partly because it sounds like I’ve been won in a fun fair.

Of course all of this would be solved if the BBC or Channel 4 commissioned a panel show hosted by a woman.  Perhaps a scottish one.  Perhaps with the word “Calman” in the title.

Just an idea.

No one ask me about this again.

Please do. I have no friends.

October 4th Wicked Wenches at the Stand Edinburgh with the lovely Janey Godley

October 5th Wicked Wenches at Stand Glasgow still with the lovely Janey Godley

Details at www.thestand.co.uk

1st December I’m doing a great gig with Zoe Lyons for the Laughing Cows in London.  Should be a cracker. http://www.ents24.com/web/event/Laughing-Cows-Comedy-Night-The-Coach-And-Horses-London-2620623.html

Follow me on twitter for more gig news www.twitter.com/susancalman