Being honest, I think the whole process surrounding Scottish Independence is funny.  There’s more propaganda, from both sides, than North Korea produces in a decade.  But I was trepidatious, mainly because of one fact.  I’ve talked about a lot of things in my comedy career, my sexuality, capital punishment, depression, cats.  But nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever created such a shit storm of aggression than when I’ve talked about Scottish Politics.

I’ve been told that someone has written a blog which is pretty abusive towards me after my performance on News Quiz (there’s probably more than one, no need to point them out to me).  I haven’t looked for it, and won’t.  It’s not worth it.  It’s rather sad though.  It means that people don’t want to talk about politics for fear of getting abuse.   Sadly for those abusing me I’ve had much worse in my time.  Try growing up gay in Glasgow in the 1980′s.

If you listened to the show, one of the nicest parts of the News Quiz was when Miles Jupp was pressing me on my views on Independence, whether I was a “yes” or “no”.  I didn’t say.  Why? Because I really, really want to able to satirise Scottish Politics without being tied to one camp. If I declared my views publicly then one side of the other would dismiss my views are being biased.  And I really, really want to be part of the debate in a positive way.

After the show was broadcast I was accused of betraying my country, of being racist towards my own people and of being a cunt (that was my favourite).  Which did lead me to ponder if we should we laugh at Scottish Politics?  Is it something we should joke about?  My answer is yes. Of course it is.

1. Scottish people are meant to have a tremendous sense of humour. We do.  Except when it comes to the Referendum it seems.   I learnt so much about politics through comedy when I was growing up, and I think it’s crucial that comedy plays it’s part in the process that’s happening now.
2. No one ever says that English Comedians shouldn’t be negative about English politicians.  There would be little comedy left if that was the case.
3. Why should there be a reverence towards any politicians in Scotland?  Labour, SNP, Tory, Green whoever.  All should be open to lampoon. That’s what satire does.  And when satire is done well it’s because there’s something there to laugh at.
4. I’ve never experienced more heated arguments about anything else (apart from football) than I have about Independence.  Comedy plays a vital role in informing and lightening the mood somewhat.  We are over a year away from the vote.  If we don’t start laughing soon it’s going to go horribly wrong.
5. The idea that because I’m Scottish I should, in some way, protect my nation by not criticising it, is appalling.  I’m a woman.  Some women in politics are horrific, I’m not required to defend every woman in politics.  I’m led to believe there are some gay people in politics.  I’m not going to put a pink triangle over my eyes if they do something that I disagree with.  The idea that I shouldn’t, on Radio 4, be negative about Scottish Politics is subscribe to the “us and them” notion of England and Scotland.  And I don’t agree with that.  And I won’t become parochial by blindly agreeing with someone with the same accent as me.
6. At least one side of the debate will be disappointed in just over a year.  Either we will get Independence or we won’t.  If we don’t attempt to have some lighthearted opinion in the mix the country will be shit to live in whatever happens.

I will keep talking about Scottish Politics.  I’ll keep laughing about Scottish Politics. I’m working as hard as I can to get a platform for comedy to step up and take it’s place amongst the singers, the artists and the poets in having it’s say.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m not disappointed that people are being horrific towards me.  Of course I am.  But I’m also pretty convinced that it means I’m doing the right thing.  But if the process over the next year or so is to be of any worth we need to do it respectfully.  If we could stop the random name calling, the swearing, the death threats (real or otherwise) then perhaps we could get somewhere.  Bullying is not a way to stop people speaking out.  Bullying is the last resort of those who don’t want to enter into a reasoned argument.

I feel slightly alone just now in speaking out about the negativity that’s coming my way.   The personal nature of some of the abuse isn’t pleasant.  But I suppose that means I’m doing something right.

Me?  Oh I’m fine thanks.  Working away.  Any news to report?  Well a few things.

1. I bought a fake moustache.  It may or may not feature in my shows at the Udderbelly and the Ed Fringe.
2. I’ve started playing the guitar again.  Yes.  I may sing in my shows at the Udderbelly and the Ed Fringe.
3. My insomnia is awful and I’m losing all perspective on life.

The above facts may put you off coming to see me.  Don’t let it.  I look smashing in a moustache AND I can sing.  I really can.  I was in a band when I was younger.  It was the Nolans.  I wasn’t really in the Nolans but it was kind of like the Nolans.  Kind of.

Anyway.  The point is this.  I’m going to have fun.  If you come to the shows you will have fun.  It’s guaranteed.*

So you can see me in London on the 4th and 18th May at the Udderbelly on the South Bank

https://www.underbelly.co.uk/susancalman

And I’m only doing 12 nights at the Edinburgh Fringe.  I sold out every show last year but there’s a chance that none of that audience will want to come back.  That means that if you buy a ticket you will be a rebel of sorts. Do it.

http://www.thestand.co.uk/Fringe/Performance/Stand3/1052/Susan-Calman–Always-A-Work-in-Progress

Thanks.  I’m sorry for whoring myself in this way.  I don’t feel comfortable doing it**.  To say sorry I’ll go and shut myself in a cupboard for a while.

Thanks for reading ***

x

*It’s not guaranteed.  I don’t know what you like.  I can’t control how you feel.  I will promise to really try though. And that’s all anyone can ask isn’t it?

** Whoring myself actually feels quite nice.  I don’t think that’s right is it?  I should probably have a good think about where my life is going.  I’ll do that right now.

*** Genuinely.  Thanks for reading.  You’re very sweet.

Anyway, this blog isn’t really about anything other than expressing something that occurred to me.   It’s not going to change your life is what I’m saying.  Well it might.  I doubt it.  But it might. Who knows how the human mind works?

I think I may be straying off topic.  It’s the curse of the Premier Inn.

The point is this, I have an audition today.  It’s fair to say I’m not very good at auditions.  I suspect if I auditioned for the part of “Susan Calman” in the TV biopic “The Susan Calman Story: The Revenge of the Mad Cat Lady”, I wouldn’t get it.  The only reason that I mention it, is that whenever I have an audition I remember the film Tootsie.

Actually, truth be told, I remember the film Tootsie I lot.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s one of those films that may not be fashionable to love but I can’t fault it.  It’s the one thing guaranteed to cheer me up, and the script contains lines that have stayed with me for years.

For example, whenever I’m in a studio and I see the camera, previously aimed at me,  pull back, I remember Tootsie and the scene where the Director and cameraman try to solve a sensitive problem.

Director 

Make her look a little more attractive. How far can you pull back

Camera man

How do you feel about Cleveland?

Anyway, I have an audition and the point is that at the start of Tootsie you see the Michael Dorsey (played by Dustin Hoffman) auditioning for various parts.  As a struggling actor he’s desperate to make an impression and get a job.  I watched the film when I was much younger, and at the time had no idea that one day I’d be doing exactly the same thing.  When I finally started trying my hand at acting, my problem was that I was initially completely unprepared of the reality of the process. No one prepares you for the shock of an audition when you first have one.  If, like me, you haven’t been to drama school and have no experience whatsoever, the first time you stand in front of a group of people and audition is fairly intense.  Especially when it’s a comedy, and no one laughs.  I’m not saying I’m not used to that by the way, it’s just odd when it happens at 9am in a brightly lit office.

Anyway, you just have to try your best.   I’ve auditioned for parts that I would’ve killed for if given the chance, but didn’t get.  Sometimes they just don’t want you.  And, very often, they don’t mind telling you exactly why you didn’t get the part. You’ve just got to take it, and move one. But, and I’m sorry for the roundabout way of getting to this, that is why this scene I’ve transcribed below replays in my head just before I walk into an audition.

Director

Thanks very much. We need someone a little older.

Michael 

Mom! Dad! Uncle Pete, come quick! Something’s wrong with Biscuit! I think he’s dead!

Director

We’re looking for someone younger.

Michael

“They have dinner–” Can I start again? I didn’t get kicked off right.

Director

The reading was fine. You’re the wrong height.

Michael

I can be taller                   

Director

No. We’re looking for somebody shorter.

Michael

Look. I don’t have to be this tall. See, I’m wearing lifts. I can be shorter.

Director

I know, but we’re looking for somebody different.

Michael

I can be different.

Director

We’re looking for somebody else.

And this is fabulous as well.  I’ve been called many things in my time.  More often than not, nothing resembling my actual name

Tootsie – that’s not my name

Watch the film.  We can only go on holiday together if you do.  And I’ve booked a caravan for us all in August.

xxx

Anyway, I had a spare few minutes and thought I’d have a one way chat with you.  Which isn’t really a chat is it?  A one way chat is just a person on the bus talking about their life to their fellow passengers. Which is what I do during the day when Bargain Hunt isn’t on.

I like to have a longer chat with you sometimes. I often get frustrated with social media you see, it’s difficult to communicate everything I want to say on twitter.  The small amount of characters often defeat me.  Sometimes people ask me why I tweet about cats all the time, often it’s simply because I can’t distill anything else that I think about into 140 characters.  And I love cats.  I love the fact that no matter what I’m doing, they don’t give a damn.  It’s like having young children, except children tend not to have sharp knives attached to their fingers that slice my leg if I don’t feed them.

Anyway it’s been a nice week. I made a balloon animal.  I know, it’s Nobel Prize winning but it’s a start.  I always like to think positive.  Today a balloon sausage dog, tomorrow peace in the middle east.

Also the first episode of Calman is Convicted was on Radio 4 and was well received.  The next episode is on tonight at 11pm on Radio 4.  Oddly the fact that the one on Equal Marriage was enjoyed is making me rather nervous about tonight. Talking about the death penalty isn’t an easy thing, and I’ve tried to make the show personal rather than totally political.  Someone suggested that I should have spent more time on the arguments regarding equal marriage in the first show, but there’s a fine line between a comedy show and a lecture.  I’ve tried to make each of the shows funny, informative but most importantly personal to me.  I worked with prisoners on death row and this episode is simply that story.  In fact the main thing that’s come out of writing and recording the series is how much I enjoy the storytelling aspect of stand up.

I hope you like it though.  As with the third show (where I “come out” as someone who has depression) it was slightly odd revealing very personal aspects of my life.  But it was fun.  The people at Radio 4 who let me do the show are very nice, as often when I talk to people about these things they look wistfully into the sunset and wait for me to go away.

I genuinely hope that people get what I’m trying to do though.  I’m writing comedy that comes from the heart.  I suppose that’s why it’s more difficult when people don’t like it, but thems the risks.  And what’s life without a few risks?  Easier I suppose.  But what’s an easy life?  Nicer I suppose.  But what’s a nice life?  Dull, that’s what.

Catch you later lovely people

xxx

p.s. You can see me at the Udderbelly in London in May if you like.  Tickets here  https://underbelly.co.uk/susancalman

In no particular order

Radio 4

I’ve had the pleasure of recording a new series for Radio 4 over the past few weeks called “Susan Calman is Convicted”.  We have three in the can and one more to record, tonight, at the Traverse Theatre in Edinburgh.  It’s probably more of a storytelling show than straight stand up, and I’ve been allowed to write the shows about topics which are a little bit serious.

The four shows are about Equal Marriage, the Death Penalty (based on my time working with prisoners on Death Row), Depression (about the fact that I have, and always have had, Depression) and Nationality (about being Scottish and that).   I know they don’t sound like immediately funny topics but they are, I promise. And I wanted to write about things that mattered to me rather than just fluff.

The show will be broadcast on the 12th February (and every Tuesday thereafter) and will be going out at 11pm (hopefully it’ll be broadcast at 6.30pm as well at some point). I’ve loved recording them and hopefully you’ll like listening to them.

One sad result of the series starting in February is that I won’t be doing any more News Quiz this series.  So your last chance to catch this weeks is here http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01pvbt4/News_Quiz_Extra_Series_6_Episode_4/

That’s the link to the long version which contains even more fun.

Live gigs

I’m gigging all over the shop in the near future but wanted to mention these in particular

Manchester – Laughing Cows 24 February.  http://www.laughingcowscomedy.co.uk/comedy/gigs.html

This is always a nice gig and I haven’t been back in a while.  Should be fun.

Glasgow Comedy Festival show  -31 March http://www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com/shows/#!/shows/506

New show full of stuff I don’t even know about yet. It’’l be fun though, I promise.

Other things

I’m recording a bunch of other things at the moment as well, so I’ll be popping up on the Matt Lucas awards soon, Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums at some point and Alexander Armstong’s Big Ask amongst other shows.  Also the CBBC show I’m recording just now starts in March.  It’s called Extreme School and most of the teenagers are taller than me.  I am literally “down with the kids”.

So that’s that.  If you read to the end of this and weren’t interested, then I’m afraid you have to take some responsibility for that.  If you read to the end and were interested, then good.  Give yourself a pat on the back.  You deserve it.

Laters

Susan

x

Now that we’ve all settled in, I should say that this blog contains information.  Now it may not be information that you want or need.  If I don’t answer the questions you want answered such as “should I run away and join the circus?” then I’m sorry in advance.

Whenever I write a blog that contains lots of what could be construed as plugs for gigs, I feel bad.  I try to pad it out with a funny story or bonus trivia.  Sadly I appear to have nothing.  Nothing at all.  I’m quite tired so any story I tell you would simply end with “and then I fell asleep”. So I’ll just  keep it short and to the point.

If you’ve ever asked the question “I wish I could see Susan Calman performing her Edinburgh Fringe show in London”  or “I wish I could see Susan Calman recording the first episode of her Radio 4 show” you’re in luck.   If you haven’t then I suggest you read something else.

Soho theatre

It’s the last run out of my Edinburgh Fringe show as I doubt I’ll be doing it again in it’s current form.  It’s on from 13th to the 24th November at the lovely Soho Theatre in London.  But not on Sunday or Monday because I’ll be in Swansea doing something else.  That sounded almost mysterious didn’t it!  Not really.

http://www.sohotheatre.com/whats-on/susan-calman/

Radio 4

I’m starting to record my Radio 4 show on the 28th November.  People have asked what’s it’s about so to summarise, I talk for about half an hour about funny things that have happened to me.  I may need to shorten that for the Radio Times.  Tickets are free and you can get them here.  I’ll give the link when I have the details for the other recordings.  Hopefully we will be doing one of them in Scotland!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/showsandtours/shows/shows/susan_calman_nov12

If you don’t live in London I’m trying to sort out some dates for a tour and will let you know as soon as I do!

So there you go.  Come and see a show – it would mean a lot if they were full of lovely people like yourselves because without a lovely audience I’m just a mad woman shouting in the darkness

x

ALSO PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE’S A READING LIST AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BLOG SO YOU CAN READ THE FULL JOY OF THE ARTICLES REFERRED TO WITHIN THIS NOTE IF YOU SO WISH.

One thing you should know about me is that I never tire of being asked the question “are women funny”.  Another thing you should know is that I like to start my blog with a lie.

The truth is I hate being asked that question because it demeans both me and the person interviewing me.  Never has lazier question been posed.  Well apart from asking a horse “why the long face?”.  And I hate the fact I’m even writing about this, but it’s got to the stage where internalising my anger is leading to indigestion and if there’s one thing I hate it’s things being repeated.

So here’s the current state of play with my comedy career according to “other people”. Apparently I’m only funny if I’m ugly (Nikki Finke blog) and I’m less funny than rape (Mike Sheer).

This blog contains my views on the general topic of women in comedy and definitely not those of my employer.  Even though I don’t have an employer.  Well I’m my employer.  So they are the views of my employer.  Anyway, it’s easy to get waylaid into all sorts of arguments when sticking your hand into the toilet bowl of this discussion so I won’t.  Instead I simply present statements and my opinion.  Take em or leave em.

1.   Women are funny.  If you hold any other opinion then you are quite simply wrong.  It’s simple.  You cannot say women are not funny because some are.  It’s a logic thing.

2.  Part of the reason why the argument about women in comedy continues is because the question keeps being asked and journalists keep wanting to write about it.  The wonderful Tina Fey said

“It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.”

I agree. I dislike soft cheese.  It’s a texture thing, that and the largely rancid smell.  But when I see someone eating soft cheese in a restaurant I don’t walk up to them, shout “don’t eat it, it’s shit!” and walk away.  You can’t tell people what they like to eat in the same way as you can’t tell people what to laugh at.  People decide for themselves you see.  That’s what being an individual is all about.

3.   You don’t walk up to someone and tell them that their cheese is shit and you don’t tell people who is and isn’t funny. Why? Because whether someone is funny or not is a question of individual taste.  Your decision that you don’t find someone funny is not empirical proof that the person is not funny to another person.   Many people have stated very, very publicly that they don’t like certain male comics yet that never leads to the conclusion, which is seemingly inevitable with women, that all men are therefore not funny.  I’ve never understood why every women seemingly has a responsibility to do well at every gig lest other women suffer.

4.  Mike Sheer wrote a blog on Chortle (a comedy website) today entitled “Are women less funny than rape”.  Read it if you want.  I think it’s meant to be funny or ironic but it’s just drivel.  An attempt at humour that’s missing the humour.  So by the logic of many in this argument I should be able to now say that all male comics aren’t funny – right Mike?

Why was it so awful?  Well his blog contained such statements as:

“Do women make me laugh? Of course! In individual cases. But as a whole, are they funny?”

That’s right sweetie – because we all need to be judged together.  Perhaps if one of us is judged “unfunny” by Mike we should take her out back and shoot her so as not to upset the average result.

“Which leads us to conclude: women are less funny than rape.”

No.  Just no.  Not even with the excuse of  irony.  Irony doesn’t mean you say things and then it’s fine. Irony is second only to “banter” as the worst excuse for misogyny, homophobia, racism and any other form of evil shite you can mention.  It’s not ironic it’s drivel.

And Chortle.  You published it.  You read it.  Did you find any humour in it?  Did you think that the statement “women are less funny than rape” was a good thing to put on the web site?  You’re a fucking idiot  – and I mean that ironically of course.

5.  Also this week the issue of whether you’re allowed to be attractive and funny has reared it’s head.  Nikki Finke wrote a blog that said

“Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups.”

Really?  You patronising twat.  You utter dick.  You complete shit head. I’m funny because I need the attention that I don’t get because I’m not attractive? Why don’t you ignore every other aspect of my life and boil it all down to my face.  Why don’t you ignore the satirical comics who use genuine knowledge and understand of the political system to confront the evil that politicians do.  Why don’t you ignore the brilliant physical comics? Why don’t you ignore timing, joke structure and the gut feeling that audiences get from a comic and boil it down to a prettiest pig competition.

6. I am beautiful.  I am. And if you don’t think so you can fuck off.  But whether or not I am funny because of the way I look is an irrelevant and insidious argument  which is designed to allow people to bitch about the physical appearance of women under the guise of “fair comment”.

Christopher Hitchens vomited up the following statement in Vanity Fair

“In any case, my argument doesn’t say that there are no decent women comedians. There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there. Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three.”

The insinuation is that hefty or dykey or jewish women aren’t attractive and who wants to listen to an unattractive woman never mind laugh at them.  Of course he’s really saying who wants to have sex with that type of woman.  Because that’s important you see.  A woman can be funny as long as someone still wants to fuck them.

Now I may be one, or more of those categories, and I can confirm that people do want to have sex with me.  Often more than once. So fuck off.

7.  The other thing that the “you need to look good to be funny” articles don’t take account of is the radio.  I’m on Radio 4 quite a lot which, in case you’re young and don’t know what the radio is, means that I can’t be seen.  Should I make sure that all listeners print out a picture of me and put it in front of them so they can decide whether or not what they’re listening to is funny?  I’ll get right on that.

8. Do you know the most abhorrent part of this whole argument is?  That we’re all the same. That I’m essentially one of the Borg.  A speck in a collective group known as “female comedians”.  The best comics in the world have their own voice,  but it’s only men who are allowed that freedom.  Women have to accept that we’re all the same.  That we have a hive mentality.  “Are you one of those female comedians” people ask.  No, no I’m fucking not.  I’m a comedian. There are women to tell gags, who tell stories, who write puns, who stand still on stage, who run around on stage, who swear, who don’t swear, who are young, old, emotional, calm in other words EXACTLY THE SAME AS MALE COMICS.  Any argument that contains the words “all female comics” should immediately be dismissed as a pile of rubbish.

So there.

Love

Susan Calman

Comedian

Further reading

Mike Sheer article

http://twitpic.com/b0eg8s

NIkki Finke, a ‘Hollywood Insider’

http://www.deadline.com/2012/09/emmys-primetime-2012-winners-list-awards-nokia-theatre-la-live/

Christopher Hitchens

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/01/hitchens200701

I have my own view, and I apologise in advance, but this is a fairly long blog because I wanted to talk about a lot of stuff.  Oh and I’m going on holiday tomorrow and so want to empty my head before that.  You’re essentially my therapist you know.  And no I won’t be paying you.

The background

I’ve been coming to the Fringe since the late 1980’s.  As a punter of course.  My first experience was seeing a friend performing in a play which, if I recall correctly, took place in a scout hut off the Royal Mile.  His audience was less than ten, which always serves to remind me that I’ve never seen small audiences as a modern issue.  The fact is that sometimes people don’t turn up to see good shows, and it’s been an issue from the beginning of time.  But the main thing I do remember from that era is seeing the comedians as they wandered around town. I thought they were the coolest people in the entire world. I wanted to be them, I wanted to be part of the greatest arts festival in the world.  And then, quite suddenly, I was part of it.  I gave up my job, I decided to put on a show and it was an unmitigated disaster.  I remember on the final day of my first Fringe my flat mates went out to parties and I sat on the sofa in my over priced Edinburgh flat (you’ll notice a theme).  That night Channel 4 showed a film by the wonderful Annie Griffin called “Festival” which chilled me to the bone.  It was just what I was experiencing.  The back biting, the expectation and the failure.  It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.  And it gets better and worse every year.

The show

It can sometimes be easy to forget that the Fringe is actually about doing a show for paying punters.  Not for TV execs, not for reviewers, not for judges of a comedy award.  This year I did a show that was very important to me.  It was, in it’s essence, about my desire for equality.  Excitingly Martin Mor (lovely comic) overheard someone describe my show as “a Nazi rally for gay marriage”.  Which is a magnificent quote for the tour poster.  If you’re reading this, whoever you are, if that’s what you thought of my show then please feel free to fuck off and never come to any of my shows again.  In fact send me your photo and I’ll display it at the box office so you never need to go through the experience of hearing about equality again.

From a personal point of view this has been my most successful year.  And before anyone bitter gets on twitter and shouts at me I’ve not had a great history at this festival. In 2006 no one came to my show.  2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 saw various and increasing levels of shitness.  But then, specifically in 2010, I don’t know if I had a good show.  And it’s a difficult situation for a comedian to be in to admit that, in all honesty, their shows aren’t as good as they could be, but for me it’s true.  This year was different.  I’d taken a year off, I’d written a show, structured it, loved it and previewed it.  And it was good.  I know that because it felt good.  I sold out every day from the first Friday and those who came seemed to enjoy it.  The only point at which I became annoyed was when someone questioned my integrity.  The end of the show is very important (and I won’t spoil it for you in case you’re coming to see the show at the Soho theatre in November) but it’s emotional.  And every night I perform the show I mean it. It’s the story of my personal experience of being different and at the end of the show, with my final five minutes, I drag up every time I’ve been spat on, every time I’ve been beaten up, every time I’ve lost a job, every time I’ve sat in a room hating myself and every hideous time in my life.  Any questioning of my sincerity is an insult.

The Fringe

Is the Fringe dead?  No.  And it’s not terminal either.  It’s definitely not well but a course of antibiotics is required rather than switching off the life support machine.  There’s no question that it does need to have a good look at itself though.  But, like a dysfunctional family, everyone needs to have a think about themselves instead of simply pointing fingers.  If the tickets sales are down this year and the spirit of the Fringe is dead then who’s to blame?

The acts have to take some of the blame.  We’re easily seduced by the desire to seem more successful with giant posters and bigger rooms and higher tickets prices.  I sit down every year that I decide to do the Fringe with a spreadsheet and think “is this an appropriate use of my money?”.  But fundamentally how much say do I have in the costs? How much transparency do acts ask for?  Do they really know how much things cost and how unlikely it then makes it that they will make money?  Do we challenge the costings?  Do we ask our producers why they make the money and we don’t?  Part of the key to a show is the time, the title and the venue.  How many of us take the time to research the options rather than go for the first and the easiest option?  It’s easy to blame the rest of the world for our problems but how much do the acts really want change?  It’s not easy to challenge someone when you start at the Fringe, the bargaining position is rather skewed to say the least.  But perhaps if established acts start to challenge some of the costs then perhaps it’ll filter down the ladder and help everyone in the long run.

Agents/PR who encourage acts to spend the ridiculous amounts of money that they do have to be part of the problem and solution.  Should a new act be put in a big room at a prime time slot or should they be allowed to spend their first year in a small room where they can experience the stress of the Fringe in a lower profile way?  Should comics be beholden to PR agencies or can social media allow publicity without the cost?  What is the Fringe about?  Is it to be a better comic or is it to become a TV star?  Should we pay for our posters to be distributed in chip shops or is it better to save the money to pay an extra flyerer?  The financial pressure isn’t restricted to the month of August either.  The most common question I’m asked before the Fringe is “when can the press start coming in?”.  The two or three “preview” dates you’re meant to get in your venue don’t really exist anymore.  You’re expected to have previewed the show in advance and come up with a sparkly show that’s ready to shine.  Whilst I don’t believe that anyone should arrive with a half arsed show and charge full price for it, previews at the start of the month in the room you’ve paid for are very important.  The process of previewing is an additional cost that’s often not factored into a Fringe budget.  Having been through several preview seasons in London I know that it’s tough to get a venue and even tougher to get an audience.     Previewing out of town is possible but again travel and accommodation costs mount up. In addition many journalists now want to review a show at previews before the Fringe starts.  If you can’t preview then you can’t get into some publications.  The difference in ability to preview means that in the same venue during August, you can see a show on the first day of the fringe that’s managed three or four previews in the back rooms of pubs to three people and an act that’s had twenty or more previews.  Should the Fringe limit preview season?  No, that’s a restraint on artistic freedom but the pressure on acts to let press in and reviews in immediately should lessen.  Then perhaps we could all enjoy the first few days of the Fringe, let the shows bed in and breathe and then let the bun fight start.

Edinburgh landlords and the Fringe itself.  My flat costs me the equivalent of 4 months mortgage for my bigger flat in Glasgow.  And I don’t live in the lap of luxury, far from it.  The biggest costs I incur in August are accommodation and brochure entry costs.  In total the two run to the thousands of pounds.   It’s fair to say that if the costs incurred to simply live in the city and then make sure people know your show is on run into the thousands what chance do we all have?

Venues.  I’ve had a good relationship with many venues and understand the requirement to make profits.  So is it a case of too many shows and too few people?  The fingers have been pointed in many directions.  The BBC venue which puts on a combination of free and paid shows.  The increasing size of the Underbelly, the fight between Assembly Rooms.  I don’t know the answer.  I do know that in difficult economic times it’s better to go smaller and cheaper.  But we can’t continually look back in anger to times where the Fringe was amazing and everything was brilliant.  It can’t exist now.   It’s like OZ, a fictional  city swathed in jewels where anything is possible.  The idea of an ideal Edinburgh where everyone is happy isn’t possible.  But like a an evening trapped in a lift with a bear, a penguin and Michael Myers we just have to make the best of it.  Perhaps we acts could share information more?  If we have experience about what works and doesn’t work, rather than keep that to ourselves we could let others know.  Is it worth putting an advert in this magazine, who does the best value photos, does the size of an advert work?  Simple questions that might help others save thousands of unnecessary pounds,

Is the free fringe/ festival the answer?  I don’t know.  I know that it gives people a chance to perform without the massive overheads, I know that some acts earn a decent amount of money from it. I know that some people have a horrific time but some performers have horrific times at bigger venues too.  The idea of a free Fringe for all is fabulous but it’s unlikely that there are sufficient quality venues in the city which the owners would allow to be used for free. And I like a venue that’s only for performance.  Proper lighting, sound and technical support can be crucial.  But I entirely support anything which allows performers the chance of being in this city for the Fringe.  Because even if it’s a horrific experience it’s brilliant.  And every year you learn a lesson for the next.

The future

What’s the answer?  I don’t know.  I know this though.  The Fringe makes me a better comic.  The process of performing a show every night makes me a better comic.  The process of performing to different audiences is a terrifying and beautiful experience.  But whilst this is a wonderful time it’s also the most destructive and horrific month of my life.   A combination of ticket prices, venue costs, agents costs and PR can make the Fringe seem hopeless.  But is it?  Is it something that we as performers can try and reclaim?  Can we start standing up for ourselves?  Does anyone really want to?

The Fringe is a strange combination of pantomime and trade show.  Why should we expect it to cost us nothing at all?  Why should we expect producers and venues to take all the risk on our concept shows?  We shouldn’t but we could ask for small changes to help us

The costs of brochure entry should be reduced.

Previews should be just that with no pressure for reviews.

Acts should be more willing to share information on what works and doesn’t work for them.

And ultimately acts need to stand up for themselves.  I don’t do it very well so please don’t think I’m being a dick.  But if a room isn’t right, if ticket prices are too high, if someone is trying to sell us advertising space at an extortionate cost then why to we agree to it?  I get spam e mails all the time, and if I got one that read like this I’d tell them to piss off.

“Dear Susan

We would like to offer you an amazing investment opportunity.  You can rent a room in a venue you won’t see until August for one hour a day.  We would like to charge you £(thousands) in addition to a further split of any profits together with £( thousands) for letting people know you’re there.  We will also charge people above the market rate to come and see you and you are not permitted to ask us to change that.  For a small fee of £(thousands) we can make sure that your face is on posters as big as Edinburgh Castle.  You are not allowed to negotiate or ask any questions.  Please say yes immediately.”

Conclusion

At the moment I hate the Fringe.  And myself.  But I’ll probably be back.  Maybe.

Now that awkwardness is over lets get on to the other stuff.  It’s traditional for me to sit with the Edinburgh Fringe brochure and book tickets for the shows I fancy seeing at the Festival.  This list is entirely my own opinion, I haven’t been prodded or poked (I wish) to recommend any of these shows.  They just happen to be comics I’ve seen or heard about that pique my interest.  So you can take my recommendations or not.  That’s what free will is.  And you should totally take advantage of the fact we still have it.

Before the specifics let me start with some general tips.

1. The brochure has hundreds of comedians in it.  Take a chance.  If you’ve seen someone on the TV by all means go and see them but for every person you know about go and see someone you haven’t.  By taking a chance you support a comic who may well be the star of the future.  And you can say you saw them in a damp basement that smelled of sewage.  That’s the joy of the festival.
2. In the same vein as above – don’t be lazy.  It’s easy to hang around the Pleasance Courtyard but there’s magic stuff happening all over the city in August.  Go and find a venue that’s not on the main drag.
3. Book in advance if you can.  Seeing some pre-sales can calm the nerves of a comedian before August begins.
4. Be sober, or at least be respectful.  If you go and see a 1am show that’s advertised as “the perfect show to vomit at” then fine.  But if you’re going to a show that’s at 5pm don’t show up pissed.  It’s costing me about 15 grand this year to do this vanity project and if you’re drunk and ruin the show I will take you down.  Well I won’t.  But I will stare a lot.
5. Try some free festival/fringe shows.  There’s some good stuff on.  But if you go and you enjoy please put some money in the bucket at the end.  Then maybe the comic can eat that week.

Anyway – these are the shows I’m looking forward to seeing this festival in no particular order.  Oh and these are all comedy shows.  I haven’t made it through theatre yet! I’ve put the fringe brochure page numbers on to help you.

1. Anything at the BBC venue.  The tickets are free and you can see some fabulous stuff.  Most of the shows are listed on pages 39 to 41 of the Fringe brochure
2. Sara Pascoe page 154
3. Danielle Ward page 62
4. Diane Spencer page 68
5. Do the Right Thing page 71
6. Eleanor Tiernan page 74
7. Felicity Ward page 76
8. Sally-Anne Hayward page 152
9. Shappi Khorsandi page 156
10. Hanks and Conran page 90
11. Hannah Gadsby page 90
12. Helen Arney page 91
13. Jo Caulfield page 104
14. Juliet Myers page 107
15. Josie Long page 107
16. Leads and Stern page 113
17. Loretta Maine page 117
18. Lucy Porter page 118
19. Mary Bourke page 123
20. Nina Conti page 133
21. Jen Brister page 101
22. Roisin Conaty page 150
23. Sandi Toksvig page 153
24. Suzi Ruffell page 167
25. Barbara Nice page 38
26. Celia Pacquola page 54
27. Tiff Stevenson page 170

There you go.  There are loads more but I’m going to try and see these people.

What?  What do you mean they’re almost all women?  But women aren’t funny!

Someone should really write an article about that.  We don’t hear that topic discussed enough these days

Ha!

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Edinburgh Previews!

If you can’t make it to Edinburgh and you want to see my show in very much it’s infant stage I’m doing a few previews.

London – Old Rope

28 June

Tickets available here

http://www.wegottickets.com/event/175177

Birmingham  25th July

I’m doing a preview with the lovely Jen Brister at the Laughing Cows in Birmingham.  It’s on from 7 till 10pm at the Memorial Hall in Kings Heath

Tickets available here

http://www.wegottickets.com/event/167921

Camden 26th July

This preview will be with the lovely Jessica Fostekew at the Camden Head.   http://www.camdenhead.com/

Tickets available here! http://www.wegottickets.com/event/166317

It’s only £3!!!!

Then of course the Edinburgh Festival starts

Tickets available here

https://www.underbelly.co.uk/node/470974

Thank you for your patience.  You are very kind.  I can see it in your eyes.  I can see it in your smile.

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