Decisions, Decisions

September 28th, 2011

First of all, hello. I don’t know who you are, although we may have met at some point. Or perhaps we are simply internet friends. Or perhaps you have found this blog due to the careful placing of words like “sexy girls in your area” and “money for nothing” and “cash for gold”. If it’s the latter you should perhaps leave now. This isn’t the blog you’re looking for.

I should say I don’t blog often. Sorry, I should correct myself. I don’t publish blogs often. I write a lot of blogs but often delete them for fear that I may offend. What could I possibly write that would offend someone you don’t ask? Well the blogs entitled “ten people I hate” or “reasons why religion is a pile of rubbish” or “twelve steps to your inner Martina” may upset people. And, as I’ve found to my cost, people lose all sense of proportion on the internet. On twitter I could write “I’ve just had a cup of tea” and someone will respond with an insult.

I was asked the other day why I bother with twitter and the like and the answer is quite simple. I spend all day, every day, on my own. I sit in front of my computer and try and write funny things. I don’t find that difficult. I find a lot of things funny. The question is will anyone else get them? Does anyone remember a 1987 american TV show called “Leg Work” starring Margaret Colin and Frances McDormand? No? Damn. It was a great show. But there appear to be only a few people I can say “honk if you’re the mystery woman” and they won’t think I’m mad.

I also get distracted easily. Yesterday I had hiccups. I then spent an hour worrying that I would never get rid of my hiccups and would end up in the Guinness Book of Records because I hiccuped for 20 years. Is that a reason to stop working? Yes, yes it is. That’s a genuine concern. How could I function if I didn’t stop hiccuping? Same with sneezing. Sometimes I’ll sneeze 5 or 6 times in a row. What if I never stop? I know that it’s an overreaction and it’s probably just a cat hair up my nose but still. I have to stop getting distracted by irrelevant things. Or are they irrelevant? Are they instead important thoughts and theories that Plato himself would have ruminated over.

You see I find people are fascinating. Each one of us has what’s called a brain. Of course everyone’s brains have a different capacity, what’s called “The Only Way is Essex” scale, but we are all blessed with what is essentially a supercomputer in their heads.

But people use them very differently. Some attempt to facilitate world peace. Some try and find a cure for cancer. And some do this.

http://home.vicnet.net.au/~kwgow/crossovers.html

Now the nitty gritty of what this is about is almost irrelevant, the wonder is the time and effort that is been put into this project.

This carefully crafted spreadsheet follows the theory that the 1980’s TV show St Elsewhere (think Casualty kids) all took place inside an autistic childs head. Now I suspect that the writers of the show fell victim to “last day at work” syndrome when they were writing the final episode, got drunk and thought to hell with it let’s just pretend it was all a dream.

But people being people some took the theory very seriously and followed the logic that if St Elsewhere didn’t exist any programme with any connection to St Elsewhere also couldn’t exist. Despite the fact that, in essence, none of the programmes exist because they are TV PROGRAMMES.

The work that has gone into this is extraordinary. This person watches every television programme in the world looking for connections that include characters and brands. For example you’ll see that the Office doesn’t exist. How you say? Well

For various complicated reasons Diagnosis murder doesn’t exist. The plane that crashed and stranded the cast of Lost was Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 also featured on Diagnosis Murder. Charlie off Lost once dated a girl whose father worked for a paper factory in Slough. The paper factory in Slough is the paper factory of The Office (UK). Therefore the Office doesn’t exist. Clear. Good

Just imagine what the person who created this could have done with his brains. But I prefer that he spends his days creating a parallel universe filled with fictional characters that don’t exist and have no impact on the world stage. It’s utterly amazing! If only I had the time in between looking at videos of cats and stalking people I was at school with to do a similar thing. But that’s what the internet has done. And I love it. But it distracts me! So back to the point of the blog

Leg work was excellent by the way. The intro is here on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtUicQ8Ow-I.

Now I know it looks dated but at the time it was excellent. Top drawer entertainment cruelly pulled from the schedules early. I think I liked it because I saw a lot of the Claire McCarron character in myself. A woman fighting against the odds whilst driving a Porsche and wearing a blouson leather jacket. Obviously that’s not what I look like right now but it’s what I look like in my head. But in my head I’m always at least 6 inches taller than I am. That often leads to surprise when I wake up in the morning and I’m still short.

Anyway, decisions Calman. Focus. What should I do this year? It may be a strange question to ask in September but, like children, a comics school year starts in September. Leicester Comedy Festival, Glasgow Comedy Festival and of course the Edinburgh Festival. Is the world ready for me to do a stand up show about Margaret Colin? Answer, probably not. Do I have the courage to do a character show without relying on my Meryl Streep impressions? Maybe. Could I do a character show and a stand up show both about St Elsewhere with my cats as backing dancers. I’d call them the “Catrobats”.

Decisions, decisions.

Anyway. I need to go to the bank. I’ve opened an account in the name of Clare McCarron so I can be a private eye. I have the blouson leather jacket after all.

Thank you for listening. You’ve saved me from finding a therapist.