An open letter to the world
March 21st, 2011Dear world
How are you? Seriously. I’m so sorry it’s been a while since we’ve talked. I mean really talked. Not that superficial 140 characters or less twitter nonsense, but a full, honest and frank conversation about how things are going. So how is everything? To be fair, I have a bit of an idea. I know you think I just sit in a self obsessed bubble of comedy self loathing but I do read the papers. Except the Daily Mail. I keep that in case the cats need to vomit on something. So I know that things aren’t very good. Nuclear meltdown, air strikes, the Bay of Pigs, Lord Lucan it’s all kicked off hasn’t it.
Anyway. I’m worried about you, and not just for selfish reasons. Although the thought of the world blowing up in the next few weeks does make me slightly nervous. I haven’t done many of the things I wanted to do before I died, and if the end is indeed nigh I don’t think I can persuade film bosses to give me the part of Ripley’s great, great, great, great, great, great grand daughter in Alien 5 (Ripley’s revenge screenplay by Susan Calman). And I know it’s selfish but I worry about where I’ll be when it happens. What if the reactor in Japan over heats and starts a chain reaction destroying all human life and my final recollections are of a disinterested crowd of punters wishing I was more like *insert name of other comedian here*. Worst still what if I’ve just dealt with a heckle? Even the funniest heckle put downs may go wrong leaving an audience thinking you are a total dick. What if I’ve tried to be funny but actually said something horrible like
Heckler “You’re shit”
Me “Well at least I can talk properly”
Heckler “I have a disability. You’re making fun of me and I’m disabled”
Crowd “Boo, piss off you unfunny troll. Boo’
BANG! END OF THE WORLD.
The end of the world and my last thought would be “why did I say that?”. Which is, to be honest, the most often thought in my head apart from “I wish I was a policeman so I could pistol whip you” and “I wish I suited a dress”. I suppose it wouldn’t matter, I don’t think there is a heaven or a hell. If there is a hell I think it would closely resemble Edinburgh Highlight, in which case I’ve been there.
I still worry though and I feel powerless to help. Of course one option is just to live each day as if it’s my last. That’s what people always say don’t they. That’s the way you live isn’t it world? I don’t think I could do that though. What if I signed off every e mail with my true feelings
“Love you more than is appropriate”
“Hope you die painfully”
“When you speak everyone in the room vomits on their own face”
“Best wishes”
What if I got drunk and smashed up pubs and shoplifted sweets. If I phoned up radio show and said rude words or stole a train and drove it to London in less than 4 and a half hours. What if I gave genuinely honest advice to people?
“No it is because you are boring”
“Yes you could do better”
“That is very kinky. You probably won’t find anyone who enjoys doing that with a cushion.”
But knowing my luck I would get arrested, go to prison and then my last days would be spent in prison. When the end finally came I would be called “Bob” and be some convicts prison bitch. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be good at it but I just would prefer to be in my own clothes when the world ends. At the very least my own pants. Preferably my bat girl pants. So if you could give me some warning so I can get changed that would be excellent.
Anyway. I hope you get better, I really do. I want you to stay around for a long time. Let me know if you need anything. I’ve got paracetamol and night nurse and some plasters. Maybe not enough but I can improvise.
Love
Susan
ps
If you fancy coming for a pint and a show you can see me in Glasgow http://bit.ly/e6yUu8and London http://bit.ly/fu4NJv.
Don’t bring the UN though. The security council are always starting fights.